HBD32

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Happy birthday to me,
I just turned twenty-three,
Just kid-ding, I’m 32,
Happy birthday to you!
//
[The kind of birthday song you sing yourself in the mirror.
Songs of days birthing selves seeing so much clearer.
The kind of birthday for kindness from here on ever after,
Through the looking glass, place-time in space flipped, parts disassembled-reattached-misremembered.
Who is me, and am I you? Oh, you mean it’s your birthday, too!
What’s ten years, give or take a few?
We’ve both been here before, tell me something new…]
//
Déjà vu.
I knew this place,
Was it, (un?)lucky 13 years ago? I was
Lucky about a decade past,
Blessed to be a mother,
Now I’ve brought my
Children here, but it feels
We’ve crossed some
Invisible barrier
Through which
It feels strange to pass.
Walls, though
Repainted and the
Carpets new-blue,
Ghost-of-memories
Haunt the amenities,
Whispering their melodies, and
Only the ocean remains
Unchanged in hue.
High times, hard times for
Me to lie low while
Tides pull at our moon.
(Time, time moves in mad
Ways as we unravel
Through age and
Unusual truths.)
//
[Revel in the labyrinth,
Traveling mystics,
Here is the dawning
Of the heart-mage.]
//
Om Mani Padme Hum

“Thought this would help…”

A surprise thank you
can help mend your broken
up-to-no-good
attention.
Learn, burning beauties.
“I want to come over tonight.”
Real auburn hair and emerald eyes
reading your tarot cards,
centered desires,
search harder,
it’s only a courtesy.
French wine massaging your insides,
live free, your body targets,
your name came up
enchanted.
Rosemary tea,
give us your ideas about energy.
The mothering tree,
hands to face in
sincere apology,
urgent expansion,
yes,
we are still
waiting to
hear from you,
dearest one.
Each day passes by, vital.
Am I afraid to die?
Life gives me the choice
of charity.
But to answer?

Do reply…

grown

suffocating
day by day
slowly, surely
into decay

oxygen leaks out
into ether
replaced by toxins
replenished by waste

the existential conundrums
as we hit fan blades
event horizons
in time-space

black holes,
our own egos
coming to pieces
at last

resistance is
relinquished
ripping atoms
in ecstasy

pushed over the edge
of the universal hotbed
we were birthed in
here –

– we are at Home
in this galaxy of lights
glistening at the
far ends of other

wormholes, warm and
whole, suckling at Mother
Milky Way’s breast and bawling,
“but, God! I’m the one

who tries too hard
because I don’t know how to be anything
but an authentic and sincere
sad son of a bitch”

how beautiful it is
to be cared for
and contented,
womb-like

nowhere to go
but to grow
up and out
and into this

C&C

 

It seems I can’t ever quite
hear you clearly, and I
never know if it’s just
the distance or maybe the
mountains between us
to blame. All the same,
the sound of your garbled
voice amid the static
is … … … … … … … … … …

Phaser Effect

Each limb tied down
A different rabbit hole,
Converging even horizons
Tearing apart each
And every atom,
Nucleus by nucleus,
Until I have nothing left.
Spread too thin
In my divergent interests,
They say not to put
All your eggs in one
Basket, but truely
The cataclysm necessary
For creative birth
Can only be found
By going over the edge,
Head over heels,
Only then will endeavors
And success be wed.
I am scared of my own
Potential for prolificness,
Preferring to stay
In the shadows, immersed
In my inner work,
Germinating my own rebirth.
I hold myself back
Because I’m afraid I’m
Not ready for this world,
Or, that this world is
Not ready for me.
I’m afraid to just be.
Everything I postulate
Lies in wait
Of the day
I break through
My self-imposed
Imposter phase.

Dear Beings That Live in the Starlight,

Dear Beings That Live in the Starlight,

Hello! I see you now, as you dance around
in the reflections on this page
as the sun hits the clear-plastic-kaleidoscope
of my pen while I’m writing this note to you,
standing in one of your portals of light.

I’m here. You’re here.
How’s the weather, friends?
Let’s shoot the breeze…

Feels like you’ve always been there for me…

I felt your presence as a little girl.
The warmth of the sun on my arms as I played
in the grass, rode carnival rides,
and my bike to the five-and-dime.
I used to stare out my window
through the pink petals on the dogwood tree
and soak in the sun. They told me I wasn’t
supposed to, that staring into the sun is
a good way to go blind, but
I loved the geometric shapes it imprinted
in rainbow colors on the darkness
of my mind’s eye, where I
perceived you as something more
than they claimed you to be.
Not the god with the white robe
and long beard I knew from church.
Not the science on TV and in the classroom
that explained away your rainbows so easily
without the charm of your magic I knew so well.

You were there when the kids at school
laughed at me, pointed fingers and gossiped,
called me names, feared me for being strange,
when my reputation for witchcraft preceded me,
when I built my first altar in the hayloft,
when I fell asleep in the thicket
and all the faeries emerged from the little purple flowers
and danced around over my sleeping crown,
blessing me with their faery-dust;
infused in the music that carried me,
the books that fed my mind and heart,
the friends that shared lifetimes with me
in the infinitesimal moments of our youths,
in sunrises over the lake and the mountains,
laced with effervescent colors melding into
mushroom-clouds with the beat of our hearts.
I see that spark that shines just right
in my lover’s eyes, that something
that shimmers the same wavelength
you glow in my children’s souls;

There is something going on here.
Something more than meets the eye.
And I don’t always understand what you’re saying,
but I’ve felt you there with me, so much of the time,
and I know you have felt this way, too.
I know you are listening,
and I want to tell you: I love you.
I have always loved you.
I have been chasing your beauty and kindness
and joy-love all along.

Thank you for dropping me this line.
I so often despair, knowing all too well there are
much darker tunes out there,
but I trust in your guidance. You have ever lead me
away from temptation and every evil.

You are the heart of my quest.
My best friend, my forever.
You are everything!
In the fields, in the woods,
in the streams and abandoned buildings.
You are everywhere!
In my bones, in the earth,
in the stars, all the stars.

(Yes, I miss you when I forget myself
and get lost in the shadows.
Please forgive me for never thinking
to call you to me by name…)

Until next time,
♥♥♥

Treatment

Well, there you have it.
It’s very obvious why
I distrust my own

Creative leanings.

There has been a fair
Amount of disastrous

Undermining to my
Inherent abilities.
But I’m on the upswing.

I know better by now.
Deepening trust in myself,
In my own intuition.
My true core of magic and creation,

Fundamentally birthed of my
Imagination and creative prowess,
I have been working towards this

Dream-life in roundabout ways
For so many years,
Walking this maze,
Going in circles to avoid the
Minefields in my mind.

Now is the time.
It is my calling to bring them into the light.
The stories and images inside me
Have a right to life.