sandcastles

i was made not lasting.
show no photos,
no proof i was here
but proud work
satisfied with
ephemeral beauty.

a day where all the children
like to play bivouac
on the front lawn, full of
thoughts for guests,
for drinking,
for no one was home.
but they were already opened,
used and refilled many times.
little clusters of quartz crystals…

no, those aren’t my mother’s,
those are my own pictures on the walls
to remind me where i came from.
they tell my story,
the story of my family,
those children are my own children.
show me the rounds.
(how many…?)
it’s hard to remember school-time,
needed some extra help,
we were inhospitable at times.
(or was it?)

“how is your husband?”

oh, he is here.
he is well.
better.
walking.
what am i doing?
i have such a hard time remembering…

the man on the phone,
what was his name!
i called him something else,
i said, “maybe it starts with a g.”
did he say i was right,
or just getting close?
he said, “don’t you remember
you’re married and you have two boys?”
he was calling to tell me,
and i was still distracted, daydreaming.
i was in the city, enjoying the scenery,
i didn’t know where i was.
i didn’t own life.

yes, my job is that i am sensitive
to the energies that fill
the buildings and offices.
i work in what is my answer.
you didn’t say leave the money.
stay home, god.
he doesn’t care what other people think
of me when i am not love and loving.
i am not living.
i dreamed i bloomed.
i am not even planted.

gotten off course, angel.
need realignment.
healing and prayer is the core.
my body? well, the yoga and whole foods
keep coming back every time
i need to get this right.
shape up kind to my skin,
no-fillers-clean.
my house won’t worry
so much about decorating.

fall into place.
(sink back into the sand,
sit at the bottom of the ocean and see.)

focus your energies.

grown

suffocating
day by day
slowly, surely
into decay

oxygen leaks out
into ether
replaced by toxins
replenished by waste

the existential conundrums
as we hit fan blades
event horizons
in time-space

black holes,
our own egos
coming to pieces
at last

resistance is
relinquished
ripping atoms
in ecstasy

pushed over the edge
of the universal hotbed
we were birthed in
here –

– we are at Home
in this galaxy of lights
glistening at the
far ends of other

wormholes, warm and
whole, suckling at Mother
Milky Way’s breast and bawling,
“but, God! I’m the one

who tries too hard
because I don’t know how to be anything
but an authentic and sincere
sad son of a bitch”

how beautiful it is
to be cared for
and contented,
womb-like

nowhere to go
but to grow
up and out
and into this

Phaser Effect

Each limb tied down
A different rabbit hole,
Converging even horizons
Tearing apart each
And every atom,
Nucleus by nucleus,
Until I have nothing left.
Spread too thin
In my divergent interests,
They say not to put
All your eggs in one
Basket, but truely
The cataclysm necessary
For creative birth
Can only be found
By going over the edge,
Head over heels,
Only then will endeavors
And success be wed.
I am scared of my own
Potential for prolificness,
Preferring to stay
In the shadows, immersed
In my inner work,
Germinating my own rebirth.
I hold myself back
Because I’m afraid I’m
Not ready for this world,
Or, that this world is
Not ready for me.
I’m afraid to just be.
Everything I postulate
Lies in wait
Of the day
I break through
My self-imposed
Imposter phase.

Dear Beings That Live in the Starlight,

Dear Beings That Live in the Starlight,

Hello! I see you now, as you dance around
in the reflections on this page
as the sun hits the clear-plastic-kaleidoscope
of my pen while I’m writing this note to you,
standing in one of your portals of light.

I’m here. You’re here.
How’s the weather, friends?
Let’s shoot the breeze…

Feels like you’ve always been there for me…

I felt your presence as a little girl.
The warmth of the sun on my arms as I played
in the grass, rode carnival rides,
and my bike to the five-and-dime.
I used to stare out my window
through the pink petals on the dogwood tree
and soak in the sun. They told me I wasn’t
supposed to, that staring into the sun is
a good way to go blind, but
I loved the geometric shapes it imprinted
in rainbow colors on the darkness
of my mind’s eye, where I
perceived you as something more
than they claimed you to be.
Not the god with the white robe
and long beard I knew from church.
Not the science on TV and in the classroom
that explained away your rainbows so easily
without the charm of your magic I knew so well.

You were there when the kids at school
laughed at me, pointed fingers and gossiped,
called me names, feared me for being strange,
when my reputation for witchcraft preceded me,
when I built my first altar in the hayloft,
when I fell asleep in the thicket
and all the faeries emerged from the little purple flowers
and danced around over my sleeping crown,
blessing me with their faery-dust;
infused in the music that carried me,
the books that fed my mind and heart,
the friends that shared lifetimes with me
in the infinitesimal moments of our youths,
in sunrises over the lake and the mountains,
laced with effervescent colors melding into
mushroom-clouds with the beat of our hearts.
I see that spark that shines just right
in my lover’s eyes, that something
that shimmers the same wavelength
you glow in my children’s souls;

There is something going on here.
Something more than meets the eye.
And I don’t always understand what you’re saying,
but I’ve felt you there with me, so much of the time,
and I know you have felt this way, too.
I know you are listening,
and I want to tell you: I love you.
I have always loved you.
I have been chasing your beauty and kindness
and joy-love all along.

Thank you for dropping me this line.
I so often despair, knowing all too well there are
much darker tunes out there,
but I trust in your guidance. You have ever lead me
away from temptation and every evil.

You are the heart of my quest.
My best friend, my forever.
You are everything!
In the fields, in the woods,
in the streams and abandoned buildings.
You are everywhere!
In my bones, in the earth,
in the stars, all the stars.

(Yes, I miss you when I forget myself
and get lost in the shadows.
Please forgive me for never thinking
to call you to me by name…)

Until next time,
♥♥♥

Treatment

Well, there you have it.
It’s very obvious why
I distrust my own

Creative leanings.

There has been a fair
Amount of disastrous

Undermining to my
Inherent abilities.
But I’m on the upswing.

I know better by now.
Deepening trust in myself,
In my own intuition.
My true core of magic and creation,

Fundamentally birthed of my
Imagination and creative prowess,
I have been working towards this

Dream-life in roundabout ways
For so many years,
Walking this maze,
Going in circles to avoid the
Minefields in my mind.

Now is the time.
It is my calling to bring them into the light.
The stories and images inside me
Have a right to life.

The Demi-Cold

When to smile,
And when to winter
The white ideas of
Creativity, learning and growing?
Citrus cleansing
The fresh, vital sharing,
Snow flying out
In reverie,
Reviving rich luxuries
For our beneficiaries.
All types came to win,
No harshly solid worlds
Cupping handfuls of
Chemicals to lips,
Designated as one of the
Chosen few, picked to improve,
And management has been
Zeroing in on how to
Get it good.
They need your help now,
The one health loved
And cared for,
Systemically,
To get your
Rehabilitation on.
Time travel to the last
Drug and alcohol and gas
Filling station,
Pumping you full,
Topped off and satisfied –
Seeing clearly the handling,
Even if the bottles are all empty,
Even when the empty
Terrors over awe of mountain views,
Out for clarity.
Be careful, too, with this
Message for time –
You could forget
You ever had
Evolutionary visionary visits.
Fighting fast and easy,
No solution but to stay behind
To right all days.
No dharma,
Start now,
No other escape.

My will to live

Was seamless as the streams,

A tribute to the tributaries

That linked our dreams,

But that was before

I was introduced

To the changeling

In your skin.

Removing the risks

Has never been enough for you.

You blundered that chance at redemption

When I asked you to

Show me more peace of mind.

We visited the vistas

Of suffering silver and gold,

The contours of this dirty air

Laced with unlimited stardust.

Creative evergy can dry up

In an instant,

Same as the tears in your eyes.

It’s always been pass/fail.

There is no restorative therapy

For the compression

Of our two hearts

Into one,

But that swollen circulation

Was the best surprise.

Relieve me –

Impoverish me –

Inhabit the crystal springs

As only you can

And only ever

At your convenience.

Course through my networks

Of neurons and veins,

Stabalize and set ablaze

The blind spots in my skies.

This is the permalink bond

We make

As travalers through the virtual,

Virtuous viral bleedthrough.