that’s when it hit me –

that’s when it hit me –
i was high.
doodlebug.
so i weigh 110 pounds,
wear a size 3/4,
i’m not terribly ugly,
cut my hair last week,
i could look better.

mmm, i spend a lot of
time thinking about
the ways to make myself
better. i devote hours
and lifetimes to writing
down everything and
keeping track of all this
stuff and the only
thing i can think of is
gee, i really should buy a
couch and a bigger bed.
buy buy buy.
stupidly stressed.
i realized that i’m just a burnout.
i’m not a god-damned hippie.
i’m not one of those people,
but i’m one of those people.
crunch crunch crunch.

what about relax?
what about tranquil?
what about a fresh start,
or, i need to go right now!
nervous. jealous. impatient. angry.
fear. doubt. pain. lumber.
new floors and mirror and
dresser and et cetera, plus
all that other stuff
(you know what!).
what else?
oh yeah,
nothing!
so,
sit up straight,
be home my 9:00 pm central.
laundry, groceries, telephone.
boring.
beep.
chirp.
really, my life is boring.
there are large periods of silence.
it’s very quiet in here.
i think i’d like to get outside the bubble
but i’m scared!
is that okay?
i need some validation.
i know why.

oh my god, what is that?!
it’s…something.

thirsty, not enough water.
tired, lazy, high,
an internet!
what is that?
what what what?
what, a hahahahaha!
that’s it.
that’s all there is to it.
that’s all.
there is this and then
those that…
i don’t know.

i like to joke and tell myself
i’m getting faster.
how can i be real?
(and maybe they’ll just tell me
i’ve gone crazy.)
wake up!
focus!
oooh, so demanding,
i can’t take it anymore!
yeah, that is true.
i was supposed to be doing
a lot of things that
i’m not doing right now.
now, lets go back and see
if this made any sense.

the answer is: no, not really,
but i still have plenty of space,
though not enough.
i should start dancing.
dancing should start me.
and cooking, too.
learning!
go to school and stay there.
do something with your life,
because you’re nothing right now.
you own nothing,
you’re worth nothing,
you’ve got nothing put away for savings,
you don’t know anything about life,
you’re too quiet, too boring, too ugly,
to fat, too uneducated, too unintelligent,
too slow, too blind, too dirty for
this life.
and i’ll never be good enough, either.
but i’m perfect right now.
damn, how do they do that?
knee-jerk reaction.
ten-thirty and i’m in bed.
wake up in the night.
dream with me, and with the little angels.
stretch.
smoke.
it’s been…something like a year
since this has been regular.
regulations include:
okay, i’m going to bed.

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