about

september means summer is over.
back to school, back to life.
did we stop?
i don’t know that i’ve felt more alive
than: august, june, july.
i don’t know that i’ve ever felt more at all.
oh – and there i go again, alone!
this is only some small silly quest for self-knowledge,
and all because i’m just so self-absorbed.
i can’t be sure that i – what?
i forgot.
is it always like this?
questions, questions, questions.
i think it’s time for me to go.
(they’re looking at me funny. again. go have your laugh.)
where are my notebooks and silence when i need them?
i have lists to make and looks to analyze,
crunches to push-up and something to work my inner thighs.
we don’t have enough money and there are too many things to discard.
we need a truck or a van and some boxes and a place to put them all.
two days, two days, that’s all we get and that’s all we need. (wait, weed!)
we, we, we.
did i forget who i was?
lose myself in the group dynamic?
nah, it’s just that i don’t believe i ever fit the mold.
leave me to tromp through the forests
scale the mountains
sand the beaches
stop
smile
stand still and listen as the world whirs by.
there’s not a lot going on inside.
get out.

you know, the change in your bluejeans pocket
is not enough to buy you love
or even one night of anything mostly memorable.
(especially so if you are not the type to remember things.
oh, and if you are, then – sorry! don’t. it’s better this way.)
and all those things i’ve lost have just gone to show
how much i didn’t really need them there in the first place.
you spoiled me.
i know how good it can be.
i’ve got morals and qualms and doubts and wonders,
standards of living i’ve tried to live up to and failed,
and now i’ve got little more than my ego at hand.
ohhh, it’s all about me, me, me! give me more!
i should have been able to sacrifice some things.
i’m trying to, but perhaps in all the wrong ways.
is this because i’m thinking?
it isn’t quite deja vu,
i’m a bit above and beyond that now,
and there have been tangents that were inevitable,
though i feel as if we’re still circumventing the same issues here.
say – where do you put a puzzle piece found up in the sky?
branches, clear blue, cloud, green leaves – none of these
can be fit in anywhere but in the air
that fills my lungs each time i breathe.
i’m happy.
that’s where these pieces fit in.
life falls in place.
i’m ready for autumn.
i know what this looks like –
don’t worry –
it’s just a trip and i’m enjoying the ride.
there’s not a lot going on inside.
come alive.

leaves change colors and feeling grow,
energy flows and i know that you know that i know how it goes.
when – !
hey – you!
sometimes i wish i had a stranger to strangle
and snuggle up to.
(though the violent urges are not sustainable,
i really need to find something productive to do with this rage.)
you don’t ever feel like punching someone in the kisser? no?
bless your sweet heart, darling. you’re a good, old soul.
please teach me your ways of patience –
i can’t help that i get frustrated.
it’s in my nature.
can i change?
ha!
so what if all i can do is laugh?
i’m twenty-one years old and i have five grey hairs
and a crease on my face from smiling so much.
“well, at least it’s a delicious day!”
it’s a delicious day to die; it’s a delicious day to be alive.
love, laugh, live, let go.
nobody listens and this is all for me, anyhow.
none of this, none of this, none of this for show. you know how that goes.
there’s not a lot going on inside.
get out.
come alive.

On Tradition

Aus Gott wird man gebor'n, in Christo stirbet man. //////////////// Und in dem heil'gen Geist fängt man zu leben an.

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